moments..thoughts..

There are a few things in the world that are sublime..that not just touch your heart but enter and stay..

like watching a movie on your laptop with earphones; one side in my ear, the other in my beloved's.

FC Barcelona's game. with any opponent. The tiki-taka.

The National Anthem by the deaf and mute children in the movie hall.

A certain strain of a certain song.

The smart repartee of KM

Taking a lingering long bath, lying in a bathtub.

Soft sunlight filtering through the leaves in a thicket.

Beats of a tap dance.

Gypsy eyes.

Walks Revisited

Was wondering do walks rejuvenate.

From absolute morbidity and a chore it revitalizes and regains the purpose. It again has the spring, is ready to walk all the walks it had walked earlier and discover many more.

The Lovers walk with assurance of life-long togetherness. The tiff still making me sad but with the knowledge at home she is there waiting for me. The caring walk in the lawns with my Inamorata as she is all swollen with my love in the belly carrying the other life which would be a gift from her. That walk of extreme concern, slow now, fast then, shaking, praying, worried walk of mine as the my Life gifts me a new life. On a cry that uncontrolled running to see that tiny one and kiss the drained but ecstatic woman of mine. When that tiny little girl is in my arms and the girl who made it possible is strolling along with me. And then a day when I walk with tiny steps with a toddler with her fingers in my hand. Learn to take the steps of life again, relearn the beauty of life. The faltering steps of which I am the strength.

Then slowly the growing with content steps slow and assured. Filled with Love and imbued with life lived walk. Slowly it transforming into faltering walk of old age. More of slow steps walking to revisit the old places which we visited when young.

Then the final walk in the clouds with her forever together in Life walk of mine with her.

Yes you can reclaim your walk and Thank You Life for that...

Birthdays...

-----

What are Birthdays? A way of telling you that dude you are getting old. Or, for people a moment to rejoice that you came into their life. As per Hindi Calendar I was born today on “Akshaya Tritaya.” My Nani goes by this only and not Solar (25th). She called up saying I had not been even brought home by now. You were still in hospital. Being the First Child in that Family I may have given birth to so many expectations. Brought Joy in lot of peoples life. And on your birthday, you feel for those. Getting buoyant if you have achieved some of those expectations; or weighed down if you let them down.

Also, birthdays as the way it is given importance; make lot of things happen in your life.

Like this time I got so many gifts. Like an Apples Shuffle IPod (Loved it has 4 GB space in slim little package), Chocolates, Perfume (Yes that too), Two wonderful books and like always Mom’s and Sis’s card. Even my Kinshuk’s. But this time something really unusual happened. I never thought it was possible. Few years earlier an extraordinary experinece of my Life had started with a Birthday Cake. Seems this year it is an attempt to finish it with a blank…

It is heart rendering. Leaves you so empty with a void in your heart…

So I do not know what to make of these Birthdays… Is it harbinger of Life or constant reminder of Fickleness of same… Is it happiness or just a day which reminds of things lost forever…

Whatever it is I feel it’s a day which is a mirror to you: Your Today, Tomorrow and most important your yesterdays. Its Joy its Reality check… Its emptiness and sadness.. Its Love, Its Loss… In a nut shell its reminder of Life, Depends How you take it that day…

An Accidental Life

If you look from the point of view of others and not mine , I had miraculous escape from death. Or it was a close brush with death. It was an accident. I was on my way from Mumbai to Pune. We get shared cab and I was in Indica. So just after Lonavala, in the circuitous route a Tavera Hit us. We were on the outer most lane, on the expressway travelling at speed of maybe 100 KMPH. The Tavera Hit us in an angle, while taking turn. Our Car swerved at 90 degrees straight and in Panic the driver hit on gas pedal instead of the brakes and we were moving horizontally crossing all the lanes and hit the culvert on the other side. We crossed the Truck and Bus lane after crossing the Second lane. Miraculously we just hit the divider at the end of road and at such heavy rush none of the vehicles touched us. All four of us did not even get a scratch to show.

What was amazing and weird, was my reaction to it. When the car got hit I felt happy, in-fact elated. I felt very tranquil and absolutely at peace. The whole moment when we glided past all the lanes, I saw at the lanes and was feeling amazingly happy. The moment we hit the divider out of harm I felt extremely disappointed. I felt cheated and it felt again the whole lot of weight has come back on me. The lightness I was feeling was gone. I felt weighed down and heavy. And actually I felt irritated and morose.

I mean my reaction in comparison to all the other people in the cab was just opposite. They felt fear and then elation. I felt elation and then irritation. At the Imapct ll of a sudden I felt so light and happy and then when it was over we were saved I felt dissappointed and so weighed down.

And I felt something strange too. I felt my a connection break. Earlier whenever, I felt extremely happy or sad I felt connected to one person (wont name that person) I would transmit my thoughts and always knew that I am making it known. By some way or other that person would know. Some kind of intuition. It was something which pulled me back always. That caring presence, that meaningfullness in my life for someone brought me back from brink always. It sustained me.

All of a sudden I felt a wall, when I tried to connect. A strong wall. I felt that I am not needed. I saw the wall as transparent; a sad face on other side but still holding on to a wall. Then I saw indifference and disdain. This was so suureal in matter of seconds and my life it all felt meaningless and I hadstrong death wish in me.

This all happened in few seconds and belive me I saw all this. I would be called psychotic or halluniciating but I feel the heaviness vividly as I write. And it was such a joy when it was all so light.

Since then I am feeling extremely down, weighed down and meaningless.

Notes to Myself

Past few days have seen lot of action besides work in my life. And as every action has its impact on your life, leaves bitter sweet memories and shapes your life.

These events started with my convocation at XIMB (Xavier Institute of Management). Yes I wore the cloak and got my degree in solemn academic ceremony. It was good experience. Wearing the cloak and finally being an MBA. But it left me empty somewhere. I do not know what next? I did an MBA to prove a point. I knew I can always do it and did it. My only criterion was doing an MBA not for the sake of it or garnering high grades. Most important thing was to get learning. Thankfully XIMB with its rigorous schedule and pedagogy did make us learn. I could have put this tag on me much earlier but did not because wanted to learn. However it seems it was a mistake not to complete it from any distance learning and putting a tag on me. World looks at tags not value behind it. And if had tag would have had helped me in something which was really important to me. Actually that not being there changed the course of my life. Had that impact on me, and immensely. So now when it’s done; besides the learning which is with me, it all seems like void as I do not know what next? What’s the benefit of it now? Any way these existential questions are always be hounding me.

Also, past few weeks first time since coming to Bombay I got in the act of reading books and watching movies. Thing which I liked to do. Again it’s not that my convictions have changed, or my life is still not in that stage. The convictions may actually have become stronger. Only thing is that I am resigned to the situation. Earlier I was angry but hopeful (I am still of about what I wanted), was in mood to hurt. Did not do what I wanted to do. That was the only way to punish someone by punishing myself. Taking away what was good in me. But again came back and realized it’s actually punishing me only. It does not bother people associated with that person. Do they give a hoot? So as I am resigned to my fate and know can’t do much and it’s me who has lost. Whatever I do I can’t defeat them. In a nut shell I am defeated, vanquished. So with a bit of my pride left in me I have retreated. Any war is won with allies. I did not have one. So am back to my kingdom, made up my mind no never would seek allies and be what I am.

Coming back to books, I started with Bad Girl by Llosa, reread after ages Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas, read The Reader by Bernhard Schlink (translation of the original in German “Der Vorleser”), The Bluest of Eyes by Toni Morrison, and also a bit of pulp fiction in terms Jeffrey Archers Sons of Fortune and Book of Lies. I felt elated to read each one of them besides the racy stuff of Pulp Fiction. And it was a great pleasure.

In between I caught on movies too. I saw The Reader (the movie with my favourite actor Ralph Fienes), the Slumdog Millionaire, Dev D, Ghazni and Luck by Chance in the latest ones and on DVD caught up with Dev, A Wednesday, Sajjanpur and Omkara.

Lot, after such a huge lull no. But I fear I do not go back to that punishment. Anyways let’s leave it here only. I would write about these books individually or together in my next blog. As parting word here is how I rate them…

Books:
The Bluest of Eyes: Its sheer poetry. A book which would live with you
Count of Monte Cristo: Excellent book but it meandered in the end
The Reader: Small book with a punch of life time
Bad Girl: Great book but have read better stuff of Llosa

Movies:
Dev D: Edgy, Excellent, you can either love it or hate. Nothing in between. Loved it
Slumdog: Excellent movie but not as amazing as it was made out to be
The Reader: Movie does Justice to book. It’s awesome. Liked Winslet first time
Luck by Chance: Normal Good movie
A Wednesday: Four Stars
Ghazni: Okay but not in League with Aamir’s works
Omkara: Watching second time was again an education in Film Craft hats off to Vishal

Next Plan . Prithvi Theater

Scribblings on the Pad of Life...

I was just listening to this song from Sound of Music:
These are few of my favourite things.I am just trying to enumerate my favourite things which I have felt and still haunts me:


The Laughter of a Book Unknown...

The early morning walk in Kashmir with naked feet. The dew on my feet. The mist on my face.

Lying down amongst the tall deodar and pine trees in the afternoon and the whole tranquilty and closeness of nature.

Polka dot clothes on bronzed body of my beloved….

The moving image of a five week child in mother’s womb on the grainy screen of ultra sound…

The natural scent of my woman (untarnished by any chemical…)…

The salt of tear on the tip of my tongue…

The cold-warm and sweet water of tons. Gliding in it a boat tugging me along the rapids…

Preciousness of precious

A birthday cake

Kinshuks ride on my back

My sister’s voice

My mom’s secure, warm, loving and all conquering embrace…

Scent of arid clay after first rain…

Beautiful lines of Novels which are just etched in mind…

My brothers letter to me…

Dinesh’s assured presence…

Drink in Amsterdam….

The fateful day of Nathu’sweets…

May and Saturday…

A resort near Gurgaon...

A massage in that resort...

The spray of sea in Pondicherry

A church in Kasauli…

Timmy’s (my dog) nuzzle on my face…

The warm conversations of Munirka in Moonlit nights….

And many more…. This does not follow any sequence or any order of preference… It’s about the things that I remember… Things which fills me with happiness and many a times despair… But are my own..

Sharing...

....

I have heard this refrain so many times where girls and boys and all the PYT’s and their counterparts have hinged relationships and friendships and all kind of such thing on sharing. It is a word which has been bandied along umpteen numbers of times. But what actually is sharing? Share actually is division of something. My share of the pie. The ubiquitous share of a company which is also called equity.

Sharing also means to partake into, experience, enjoy with others. However when you talk of sharing can you actually do it. Before I doubt on sharing which is followed today, let me tell you what I believe sharing is. Sharing for me is not merely telling anyone about an event or what happened or what you feel. I told you so shared with you!! No sharing for me means communication which is from both the sides. And not just exchange of words but getting involved. Very important sharing involves emotions and total involvement of two people. And sharing to me means fearlessness. Being true that what you have spoken and what you respond won’t affect the relationship. It means freedom where you are free to express your thoughts which would not be construed in any other way. Sharing requires understanding and depth of relationship so strong that it is unbreakable. It requires a strength of character and strong belief in each other. Also assuredness that if someone is feeling bad you have the capability to make them understand and also malleable enough to understand and adapt.

I believe you cannot share with anybody and if you are lucky, with one or two. In today’s world you are diplomatic with everybody. That’s good and should be so. Today sharing in the fast internet world, is like downloading it to someone. The data downloads on the system and it does not respond, at most if it is a file which is pre-programmed to play a song, plays a song. The same happens when you share. I was feeling down and s/he did this to me. The other person listens to it and then plays the expected tune of click-click,very-bad, oh darling this is not fair. Nothing sweet-heart it would all be good and then blah-blah-blah and then bye-bye.

Actual sharing starts after this. Maybe you comfort someone and try to understand from all angles. Have a good conversation and involve all emotions and be fearless to reprimand and be humbled too. Well in today’s world it would actually mean end of sharing. People come to download stuff to you....

Also it’s very difficult to achieve and most important to revive. Recently I was told you can share everything to me but cut out the rancor and complaints and I am ready to share everything. But if I cut my emotions off, if I have to talk with pre-conditions it’s not sharing. It’s all about telling then. But the person whom I shared with everything, I rather be quiet and not go back to telling. I would rather share or keep it to myself.

Anyways I have posted this blog and again believe it’s telling. May become a partial sharing if I get honest opinion of people who read it…..

Monday, December 31, 2007
Walks and Life

I have this thing about walking. Walking has never been just a part of my system or a chore which you do it unconsciously. It is not that I am conscious and aware and go gaga over the fact that I am walking. Again for me it is not just a utilitarian system of transporting one’s body from point A to point B. It has been idiom of life itself; reflections of various moods and shades of life; that of the state of my life. My pet quote; my Plea; my only expectation from those whom I love; has been; Love me or hate me- fill with me life or kill me – but don’t walk over me. It is different matter, that besides my mother every one of them has exactly done so. Anyway, like quickening of heart when you are in love; my feet have been spring footed when in love. When in anxiety like heart skips a beat; my foot step mis-steps a step. And I have observed that when you see that someone special and your hearts just skips a beat; my foot has skipped the act of taking that step.

I look back and I see my life changing and so has nature of my walk. I was young and really in hurry, in hurry to take on life. I would climb stairs two to three steps at a time. I was always one who walked very fast and if walking alone would take short sprints in between. Life was like spring and so was my walk springy and sprightly. That was the phase in life, like million others I was single. And in life full of never ending hurriedness; unquenchable thirst to quickly grab the life in all shades with stars in my eyes that every youth has, I would be hurrying around with life. My steps matching it in pace. Then all of a sudden a clinking laughter would make you pause in your walk. Steps would freeze in wrap of time. It would on its own turn to seek that laughter. Or a quick glance of eye which has thousand meaning has the capacity to level you with one look; can freeze your legs, make you turn and make you hurry to catch that same bus.

Then you fall in love. And find the magic of leisurely walk. A walk on most crowded of streets but you’re oblivious of it all. Your steps match the warmth of your heart and take light small steps. Your feet’s are attentive at the same time so that you can quickly clear any obstacle in your beloved’s path, clear the way and guide her. Or that careless walk where you invariably swerve closer to each other and then slightly brush with each other. Then move away a bit again to come back. I don’t know the reason but maybe the design of feet’s itself to enjoy the magic of courtship. You feel so contented, so elated. The careless leisurely walks with its slight bodily brushes, elbows and arms brushing each other as warm conversations flow. Dreams are dreamt and beautiful world created. The magical world takes shape. When you drop her back home you come back with spring in your foot (when elated); slowly (when you contemplate); brusquely (when had a tiff) and extra slow oblivious to world; tripping and colliding when dreaming.

And now, when it is over and not over. Over as she is gone but not over as feeling has not gone; would never go. For first time you actually watch your feet as your heads and shoulders keep drooping. It is absolutely purposeless, defeated, dragging and morbid walk. You do not care. But it is not careless elated walk of youth. It is slower than slow motion. It is a chore. You have to walk on as you have to. It is dull, choice less, and purposeless. Dragging walk as your any way dragging life.Then a day would come when your feet would freeze forever. Waiting for that day. I don’t want to leave footprint of mine on sands of time. I have spared my feet from this difficult chore. Anyway who has been able to leave foot prints on sands of time. Only footprints which remains is that which you carry in your soul and heart. Sometimes it is beautiful soft touches sometimes it is trodden upon.


Posted by Critical Sophist at 6:32 PM
1 comments:
Rishi.... said...
tum jo chalo to hum bhi chale saath phir kya khabar ki din hai ki raat bas main nahi rahenge jazbaat tum to sanam humare chalo saath.......... awesome peace.... me too feel like walking for the sake of it... not been fortunate enough to drop her home.. to walk ever beside her or feel the walk u r talkin abt... :)
January 7, 2008 1:06 PM

Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Trying the Impossible
... I was reading Gulzars Pukhraj today and all of sudden I thought could I translate it....I tried to do the impossible(catching the flow and essence of his poetry is impossible for a pretender like me) and here is the result of it ...

I know like me this effort has gone Kaput... It is rubbish and affront to the great Man...

Still posting it...

If you do not like it please let me know, I would delete it.... I have written the original nazm followed by its translation..Thanks...

Maaney

Chowk sey chal kar, Mandi sey, bazaar sey hokar
Lal gali sey guzari hai kagaz ki kashti,
Baarish key Laawaris Paani pur baithi bechari kashti
Shahar ki aawara galiyon mein sahmi-sahmi pooch rahi hain,
Har kashti ka saahil hota hai toh-
Mera bhi kya saahil hoga ?

Ek massom – sey bacchey ne
Bemaani ko maani dekar
Raddi key kaggaz pey kaias zulm kiya hain


From the square, through the Markets, and the bazzar,
Has traversed through the red alley, that boat of paper,
On the orphan waters of the rains, is sitting that feeble little boat,
Asking fearfully- timidly from the towns vagabond alleys,
Every boat has its jetty its moorings,
Would their be my pier too?

An innocent little boy,
Giving meaning to meaningless,
What anguish mete out to that trashed little paper.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Nazm

Nazm ulzhi hui hai seeney mein
Misrey atkey huay hai honton pur
Lafz Kaagaz pur baithtey hi nahin
Udtey-firtey hain titleyon ki tarah
Kab sey baitha hoon, jaanam,
Saadey kagaz pey likh key naam tera

Bas tera naam hi mukammal hai
Issey behtar bhi nazm kya hogi

Song

Knotted in the heart is the song,
Couplets are stuck on the lips,
Words do not fall on the paper,
Skipping - flying about like butterflies,
Love, since when, am I sitting, with...
Your name written on the blank paper

Your name is what is “entirety”,
Can their be a song better than this????

----------------------------------------------------------------

Shikayat

Saans ki kankapi nahin jaati
Jakhm bhartey nahin aankhon key
Dard key ek-ek reshey ko
Kheench kar uoon udheta hai dil
Jism ki aindyon sey choti tak
Taar-sa ek nikalta jaata hain
Chheekh bheenchey huey daanton mein

Tumney bheja toh toh hai saheli ko
Jism key Zakhm Dekh Jayegi
Ruh ka dard kaun dekheyga ?

Complaint

Shivering of my breath does not go,
Wounds those of eyes, do not heal,
Threads of that suffering, each one of them,
Heart pulls them apart, as if,
From the toe to the crest of my body,
One wire is being pulled,
And a silent scream stuck between the teeth.…

You have sent your friend,
Would see the wounds of the body,
Agony of the soul, who would see it????

----------------------------------------------------------------
Good Morning

Kholkar Bahon key do uljhey huey- sey misray
Hauley sey choom kay do neend sey chalki palkey
Hontt sey lipti hui jhulfon ko minnat sey hata kar
Kaan pur dhhemey sey rakh doonga jo aawaz key do hontt
Main jagunga tumhey naam sey ‘ sona- oye sona !

-aur tum dherey sey jab palke uthaugi nah, us dum
dooor tahrey huey paani pey sahar kholegi aankhein
subah ho jayegi tab, subah Zamin pur

Good Morning

Opening those arms, entangled -like couplets
Lightly kissing the two, wet with sleep, eye-lashes...
Imploringly, gently I would remove the strands glued to your lips,
On the ears would put the sound of, twin lips of mine,
Would wake you by your name ‘Sona’ – “O” Sona…

-and as you would slowly lift those eye lashes,
at that moment,Far…, on still water would morning open its eyes,
Only then there would be; Dawn on the land…
----------------------------------------------------------------
Bosa

Ek lamns
Halka subuk
Aur phir lams-ai-taweel
Dur ufak key neel paani mey utrey jaantey hain taaron key hoozoom
Aur thum jaantey hai saainyarro ki gardish key kadam
Khatm ho jaata hai jaisey waqt ka lamba safar
Tairti rahti rahti hain ek gunchey key honton pey kahin
Ek bas nithri hui shabnam ki boond


Terey honton ka ek lams-ai-taweel
Teri bahaon ki bas ek sandili girah

Kiss..

a touch….…
gentle, light…
Then, the Lingering touch…
Far, in the blue water of Horizon drops all the stars of universe,
And then stops, the roaming of all the planets, in the sky
As though, the long journey of Time itself has ended….
And keep’s swimming somewhere, on the lips of a bud,
Puckered droplet of, dew-of- the dawn…

The lingering touch………. of your lips…
The fragrant embrace of your arms…

----------------------------------------------------------------

Posted by Critical Sophist at 10:46 PM

3 comments:

Rishi.... said...
First thing first thats a very negative state of mind u r at... No son can b kaput for parents.... You are not....Pessimism does not sound good from yu .... Yu have been our inspiartion... a free will which has flowed across me and people related to yu is all because of yu...some people recognise it some dont... Watch across every one around you hs been benefitted... yeah they leave yu... but can never leave the traces yu have developed in them.... I dont mind being your showdow ... Gulzaar is all chayawaad.... sounds good touches us but staying with it is very very dangerous......

August 29, 2007 10:32 AM
Precious said...
Well..a lot needs to be said abt the blog..Abt the poetry - Its wonderful so so is the translation..Where every word is enjoyed.. But other than that I would say its disappointing...I certainly do not agree with "Yes that’s what I am. Kaput...Finished, Broken, Over... At least that’s what my current state of mind tells me … And also because “Ka-Put” (a worthless son for my parents)..."Yes it is about the state of mind but why???...If somebody did not livce upto your expectations why blame yourself..Why stop living Ravi??? That not the ravi I knew.. He was someone who would fight every one and make every wrong right..because he wanted to live...he wanted to do something productive...How can you be "Kaput"??? ..."Finished"..The fact the your mind is still not at rest ..It thinks proves it is there... Remember you've always said "I think...therefore I am"...Yes ravi,your mind still thinks...and therefore you are. And when you are there why not accept it and live it. I want you to... Agreed it is the state of mind and to come out of it you need a hand to hold you. A reason ... a support to fall back on...But that's what you need to find...whether you find it in a person or a purpose. That’s what you need to find. Love that can give reason to live is love actually...love that takes the reason , and/or will to live is not love at all. Now you need to decide whether the love that you live by, is actually love or the other way round... I believed it is love. The way it was..Would wait for your next blog..With a different state of mind..Happier..Positive...Love

August 30, 2007 1:41 PM
precious said...
If you read this pls call...

Coming Back

It's not that things have changed. Or maybe they have. What has changed is the fact that you grow old. Learn to be with yourself. Learn to be in terms. Your convictions are still their. But now as I said I am trying to go beyond the horizon, not limited to my sphere of thought. My thoughts now reside in me, with accompanying pains and laughter. Its mine and I have to live with it. Learn to live with it...

Just posting few of my earlier posts with their dates and comments.....