An Accidental Life

If you look from the point of view of others and not mine , I had miraculous escape from death. Or it was a close brush with death. It was an accident. I was on my way from Mumbai to Pune. We get shared cab and I was in Indica. So just after Lonavala, in the circuitous route a Tavera Hit us. We were on the outer most lane, on the expressway travelling at speed of maybe 100 KMPH. The Tavera Hit us in an angle, while taking turn. Our Car swerved at 90 degrees straight and in Panic the driver hit on gas pedal instead of the brakes and we were moving horizontally crossing all the lanes and hit the culvert on the other side. We crossed the Truck and Bus lane after crossing the Second lane. Miraculously we just hit the divider at the end of road and at such heavy rush none of the vehicles touched us. All four of us did not even get a scratch to show.

What was amazing and weird, was my reaction to it. When the car got hit I felt happy, in-fact elated. I felt very tranquil and absolutely at peace. The whole moment when we glided past all the lanes, I saw at the lanes and was feeling amazingly happy. The moment we hit the divider out of harm I felt extremely disappointed. I felt cheated and it felt again the whole lot of weight has come back on me. The lightness I was feeling was gone. I felt weighed down and heavy. And actually I felt irritated and morose.

I mean my reaction in comparison to all the other people in the cab was just opposite. They felt fear and then elation. I felt elation and then irritation. At the Imapct ll of a sudden I felt so light and happy and then when it was over we were saved I felt dissappointed and so weighed down.

And I felt something strange too. I felt my a connection break. Earlier whenever, I felt extremely happy or sad I felt connected to one person (wont name that person) I would transmit my thoughts and always knew that I am making it known. By some way or other that person would know. Some kind of intuition. It was something which pulled me back always. That caring presence, that meaningfullness in my life for someone brought me back from brink always. It sustained me.

All of a sudden I felt a wall, when I tried to connect. A strong wall. I felt that I am not needed. I saw the wall as transparent; a sad face on other side but still holding on to a wall. Then I saw indifference and disdain. This was so suureal in matter of seconds and my life it all felt meaningless and I hadstrong death wish in me.

This all happened in few seconds and belive me I saw all this. I would be called psychotic or halluniciating but I feel the heaviness vividly as I write. And it was such a joy when it was all so light.

Since then I am feeling extremely down, weighed down and meaningless.

..... Gulal....

Again it is Anuraag Kashyap who inspires me to write one more Blog. I know, everyone would pontificate and write informed views of Politics, acting and many more. They would be much better analysis than mine.

So...

I would write what touched me. What made me exult and feel ecstatic…. It had to be Lyrics. The beautiful hard hitting Street Theater Lyrics. How songs were made the narrator. How songs narrated the whole movie and actually said so many things making the movie so powerful telling the whole story:

I was mesmerized by the Rashmi Rathi of Dinkar, Saahirs Yeh Duniya Mil bhi Jaye toh Kya hain, and Sarfaroshi Ki Tammana… of the Author Bismil and one who Lived it... Sang it... Made the mantra of his and millions... Ram Prasad Bismil…

It’s those words so well adapted and so well used, to enumerate the contemporary, and the irony of the purity and dreams of old lost to the greed and dirty politics of today… We have lost those anthems and Piyush you used the same meter and theme to show us what we are…

The Irreverence of Kashyap just mesmerizes me. I am thankful of his powerful voice, his ability to talk openly. Bring the mirror of Us to Us. Challenge the youth and ask what your contribution is.

For me Piyush Mishra and his words is the narrator, The protagonist, the Voice of Protest, The Lennon and Dylan Follower who laments for the dream of Zauk, Ghalib, Saahir and many more, who dared to dream then, fight or it then and which we squandered so easily and effortlessly.

Well India of that Dream is now the “Tashan” and limited to that Tashan and show off. Substance is gone… we are empty words crying hoarse about platitude of me and mine…preening at the false hollow images of ugly ourselves.

I love Kashyap as he can still say so much so well…..so fearlessly.

It also made me look around. It’s a movie that gets into you. You want to talk about it. Like I want to know what did Kashyap want to say through the Ardh Narishwar… He was the most intriguing character for me… ( I still would like to know the answer if anyone can enlighten me…)

But where are the people with whom you can talk, try to understand… I thought my companion would do so… But…. That companion is …………