An Accidental Life

If you look from the point of view of others and not mine , I had miraculous escape from death. Or it was a close brush with death. It was an accident. I was on my way from Mumbai to Pune. We get shared cab and I was in Indica. So just after Lonavala, in the circuitous route a Tavera Hit us. We were on the outer most lane, on the expressway travelling at speed of maybe 100 KMPH. The Tavera Hit us in an angle, while taking turn. Our Car swerved at 90 degrees straight and in Panic the driver hit on gas pedal instead of the brakes and we were moving horizontally crossing all the lanes and hit the culvert on the other side. We crossed the Truck and Bus lane after crossing the Second lane. Miraculously we just hit the divider at the end of road and at such heavy rush none of the vehicles touched us. All four of us did not even get a scratch to show.

What was amazing and weird, was my reaction to it. When the car got hit I felt happy, in-fact elated. I felt very tranquil and absolutely at peace. The whole moment when we glided past all the lanes, I saw at the lanes and was feeling amazingly happy. The moment we hit the divider out of harm I felt extremely disappointed. I felt cheated and it felt again the whole lot of weight has come back on me. The lightness I was feeling was gone. I felt weighed down and heavy. And actually I felt irritated and morose.

I mean my reaction in comparison to all the other people in the cab was just opposite. They felt fear and then elation. I felt elation and then irritation. At the Imapct ll of a sudden I felt so light and happy and then when it was over we were saved I felt dissappointed and so weighed down.

And I felt something strange too. I felt my a connection break. Earlier whenever, I felt extremely happy or sad I felt connected to one person (wont name that person) I would transmit my thoughts and always knew that I am making it known. By some way or other that person would know. Some kind of intuition. It was something which pulled me back always. That caring presence, that meaningfullness in my life for someone brought me back from brink always. It sustained me.

All of a sudden I felt a wall, when I tried to connect. A strong wall. I felt that I am not needed. I saw the wall as transparent; a sad face on other side but still holding on to a wall. Then I saw indifference and disdain. This was so suureal in matter of seconds and my life it all felt meaningless and I hadstrong death wish in me.

This all happened in few seconds and belive me I saw all this. I would be called psychotic or halluniciating but I feel the heaviness vividly as I write. And it was such a joy when it was all so light.

Since then I am feeling extremely down, weighed down and meaningless.

..... Gulal....

Again it is Anuraag Kashyap who inspires me to write one more Blog. I know, everyone would pontificate and write informed views of Politics, acting and many more. They would be much better analysis than mine.

So...

I would write what touched me. What made me exult and feel ecstatic…. It had to be Lyrics. The beautiful hard hitting Street Theater Lyrics. How songs were made the narrator. How songs narrated the whole movie and actually said so many things making the movie so powerful telling the whole story:

I was mesmerized by the Rashmi Rathi of Dinkar, Saahirs Yeh Duniya Mil bhi Jaye toh Kya hain, and Sarfaroshi Ki Tammana… of the Author Bismil and one who Lived it... Sang it... Made the mantra of his and millions... Ram Prasad Bismil…

It’s those words so well adapted and so well used, to enumerate the contemporary, and the irony of the purity and dreams of old lost to the greed and dirty politics of today… We have lost those anthems and Piyush you used the same meter and theme to show us what we are…

The Irreverence of Kashyap just mesmerizes me. I am thankful of his powerful voice, his ability to talk openly. Bring the mirror of Us to Us. Challenge the youth and ask what your contribution is.

For me Piyush Mishra and his words is the narrator, The protagonist, the Voice of Protest, The Lennon and Dylan Follower who laments for the dream of Zauk, Ghalib, Saahir and many more, who dared to dream then, fight or it then and which we squandered so easily and effortlessly.

Well India of that Dream is now the “Tashan” and limited to that Tashan and show off. Substance is gone… we are empty words crying hoarse about platitude of me and mine…preening at the false hollow images of ugly ourselves.

I love Kashyap as he can still say so much so well…..so fearlessly.

It also made me look around. It’s a movie that gets into you. You want to talk about it. Like I want to know what did Kashyap want to say through the Ardh Narishwar… He was the most intriguing character for me… ( I still would like to know the answer if anyone can enlighten me…)

But where are the people with whom you can talk, try to understand… I thought my companion would do so… But…. That companion is …………

Emosional Attyachar

Dev D:

Q: What would you do as a dad if you come to know that your teenage daughters MMS is being circulated in the world where she is having sex with her boyfriend?
A: You download it, see it, think what hav you done to see this day, fly off the handle with your daughter, say you did it knowingly and then when you cant take it.... shoot yourself?

OR

You take your daughter in arms and say it’s okay beta, you need not worry. It’s a mistake and we both would take care of it.

Well in the movie Dad goes ahead and shoots himself….

Think about it what would You Do?

The Movie. Yes I loved it. It’s irreverent, on the edge, full of questions and real picture of the world which India’s youth Inhabit, and on the name of Culture and Society We Refuse to see it or face it. We keep our head buried in Sand like an ostrich. Movie has an exception though that one or two of its main character actually takes a step which nobody in India actually takes.

In reality our youth (I could not fathom why) just put scales on their eyes and follow the footstep of parent, staring with scaly eyes up to the stage of burying their heads in sand.

It is typical Dev Das story complete with Paro and Chanda. But all have changed in contemporary. Paro loves Dev and goes to any extent, from sending her Top Less photo to Dev in London, to rolling her bed on her own to go to fields to be with her Dev. Dev spurns her and Paro sees that he has scales on his eyes. Of all the people, in the movie, first person not to shed the scales from the eyes and being mired in the age old adage of marrying a virgin is actually still a driving force of Dev. He is okay getting the girls nude photos and rushing back to home, but moment he hears the false rumors about her virginity;spurns her. Paro just leaves; to everybody’s consternation dances in her own wedding; and with immense dignity comes later to messed up Dev's messy room, cleans it and then just leaves showing him his place ("aukaat" the apt word actually used in the movie).

Then there is Dev. Spoilt by Mom first then the Dad. He loves himself more and never actually loved anyone. He was a narcissist in Love with himself. But he finds his way ( I believe so after all the debauchery, I would like to think so, but its not clear)

Chanda. Strong, independent. Was caught in MMS incident (like reallife DPS incident). Father killed himself. She Leaves and finds her way. Is the CSW (commercial sex worker) in streets of Paharganj. at the same time continues her education in college. For me she raised most questions and had powerful presence in movie.

Yes she was in MMS. The voyeur society downloads it on their own volition (not publicized on TV or magazine) have fun and then just castigates her. That’s the morality of our society.

The other is question which I asked earlier. My answer. Yes the dad was more concerned about himself. His position, rutbaa in society, than the turmoil she was going through. The guy just ruined her (and who does not have a boyfriend or girlfriend at that age and who does not experiment). She was in pain. As a human being her trust was broken and then the father was worried about just himself. Just went ahead and shot himself. Did he believe in completing his responsibility of being a dad. Seeing what his daughter is going through. It was He who was important not the daughter. It was class, caste, society which was more important. Again the choice and right of the daughter was trampeled because women being the Maan and Maryada of house is sacrosanct. We are not humans in this society, but a cog a trophy of this society. Think of it, how much choice our women have. And for that matter even a man has.

The most touching moment was when Dev takes Chanda in his arms and says Its okay, Koi Baat nahin.

We know Dev is not bad. He feels. He is Human. I would have a drunkard Dev with me rather a respected, rich and well known Dad who just thinks about himself.
Yes it was irreverent. It raised many a question. Many would take it as an assault on our culture. Berate it as sick even. For me it’s a beacon of Light. I understood myself. Saw the pitfalls and simply loved.

You know where I stand.

The actors did classic job. The Script and each character were well adapted and seamlessly synched in the movie. Music was again irreverent with equally irreverent lyrics. The songs specially Payelia, and Emosional Attyacahr was superb. I liked the picturisaton of song Naina Tarsey and how it carried the movie.

Yes we are subjected to lts of Emosinal attyachar not by lovers but the societ as a whole. But its changing.

Three Cheers for Kashyap.

Thank for being the Kerouac and the enfant terrible of Indian Celluolid.

Notes to Myself

Past few days have seen lot of action besides work in my life. And as every action has its impact on your life, leaves bitter sweet memories and shapes your life.

These events started with my convocation at XIMB (Xavier Institute of Management). Yes I wore the cloak and got my degree in solemn academic ceremony. It was good experience. Wearing the cloak and finally being an MBA. But it left me empty somewhere. I do not know what next? I did an MBA to prove a point. I knew I can always do it and did it. My only criterion was doing an MBA not for the sake of it or garnering high grades. Most important thing was to get learning. Thankfully XIMB with its rigorous schedule and pedagogy did make us learn. I could have put this tag on me much earlier but did not because wanted to learn. However it seems it was a mistake not to complete it from any distance learning and putting a tag on me. World looks at tags not value behind it. And if had tag would have had helped me in something which was really important to me. Actually that not being there changed the course of my life. Had that impact on me, and immensely. So now when it’s done; besides the learning which is with me, it all seems like void as I do not know what next? What’s the benefit of it now? Any way these existential questions are always be hounding me.

Also, past few weeks first time since coming to Bombay I got in the act of reading books and watching movies. Thing which I liked to do. Again it’s not that my convictions have changed, or my life is still not in that stage. The convictions may actually have become stronger. Only thing is that I am resigned to the situation. Earlier I was angry but hopeful (I am still of about what I wanted), was in mood to hurt. Did not do what I wanted to do. That was the only way to punish someone by punishing myself. Taking away what was good in me. But again came back and realized it’s actually punishing me only. It does not bother people associated with that person. Do they give a hoot? So as I am resigned to my fate and know can’t do much and it’s me who has lost. Whatever I do I can’t defeat them. In a nut shell I am defeated, vanquished. So with a bit of my pride left in me I have retreated. Any war is won with allies. I did not have one. So am back to my kingdom, made up my mind no never would seek allies and be what I am.

Coming back to books, I started with Bad Girl by Llosa, reread after ages Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas, read The Reader by Bernhard Schlink (translation of the original in German “Der Vorleser”), The Bluest of Eyes by Toni Morrison, and also a bit of pulp fiction in terms Jeffrey Archers Sons of Fortune and Book of Lies. I felt elated to read each one of them besides the racy stuff of Pulp Fiction. And it was a great pleasure.

In between I caught on movies too. I saw The Reader (the movie with my favourite actor Ralph Fienes), the Slumdog Millionaire, Dev D, Ghazni and Luck by Chance in the latest ones and on DVD caught up with Dev, A Wednesday, Sajjanpur and Omkara.

Lot, after such a huge lull no. But I fear I do not go back to that punishment. Anyways let’s leave it here only. I would write about these books individually or together in my next blog. As parting word here is how I rate them…

Books:
The Bluest of Eyes: Its sheer poetry. A book which would live with you
Count of Monte Cristo: Excellent book but it meandered in the end
The Reader: Small book with a punch of life time
Bad Girl: Great book but have read better stuff of Llosa

Movies:
Dev D: Edgy, Excellent, you can either love it or hate. Nothing in between. Loved it
Slumdog: Excellent movie but not as amazing as it was made out to be
The Reader: Movie does Justice to book. It’s awesome. Liked Winslet first time
Luck by Chance: Normal Good movie
A Wednesday: Four Stars
Ghazni: Okay but not in League with Aamir’s works
Omkara: Watching second time was again an education in Film Craft hats off to Vishal

Next Plan . Prithvi Theater

Scribblings on the Pad of Life...

I was just listening to this song from Sound of Music:
These are few of my favourite things.I am just trying to enumerate my favourite things which I have felt and still haunts me:


The Laughter of a Book Unknown...

The early morning walk in Kashmir with naked feet. The dew on my feet. The mist on my face.

Lying down amongst the tall deodar and pine trees in the afternoon and the whole tranquilty and closeness of nature.

Polka dot clothes on bronzed body of my beloved….

The moving image of a five week child in mother’s womb on the grainy screen of ultra sound…

The natural scent of my woman (untarnished by any chemical…)…

The salt of tear on the tip of my tongue…

The cold-warm and sweet water of tons. Gliding in it a boat tugging me along the rapids…

Preciousness of precious

A birthday cake

Kinshuks ride on my back

My sister’s voice

My mom’s secure, warm, loving and all conquering embrace…

Scent of arid clay after first rain…

Beautiful lines of Novels which are just etched in mind…

My brothers letter to me…

Dinesh’s assured presence…

Drink in Amsterdam….

The fateful day of Nathu’sweets…

May and Saturday…

A resort near Gurgaon...

A massage in that resort...

The spray of sea in Pondicherry

A church in Kasauli…

Timmy’s (my dog) nuzzle on my face…

The warm conversations of Munirka in Moonlit nights….

And many more…. This does not follow any sequence or any order of preference… It’s about the things that I remember… Things which fills me with happiness and many a times despair… But are my own..

Sharing...

....

I have heard this refrain so many times where girls and boys and all the PYT’s and their counterparts have hinged relationships and friendships and all kind of such thing on sharing. It is a word which has been bandied along umpteen numbers of times. But what actually is sharing? Share actually is division of something. My share of the pie. The ubiquitous share of a company which is also called equity.

Sharing also means to partake into, experience, enjoy with others. However when you talk of sharing can you actually do it. Before I doubt on sharing which is followed today, let me tell you what I believe sharing is. Sharing for me is not merely telling anyone about an event or what happened or what you feel. I told you so shared with you!! No sharing for me means communication which is from both the sides. And not just exchange of words but getting involved. Very important sharing involves emotions and total involvement of two people. And sharing to me means fearlessness. Being true that what you have spoken and what you respond won’t affect the relationship. It means freedom where you are free to express your thoughts which would not be construed in any other way. Sharing requires understanding and depth of relationship so strong that it is unbreakable. It requires a strength of character and strong belief in each other. Also assuredness that if someone is feeling bad you have the capability to make them understand and also malleable enough to understand and adapt.

I believe you cannot share with anybody and if you are lucky, with one or two. In today’s world you are diplomatic with everybody. That’s good and should be so. Today sharing in the fast internet world, is like downloading it to someone. The data downloads on the system and it does not respond, at most if it is a file which is pre-programmed to play a song, plays a song. The same happens when you share. I was feeling down and s/he did this to me. The other person listens to it and then plays the expected tune of click-click,very-bad, oh darling this is not fair. Nothing sweet-heart it would all be good and then blah-blah-blah and then bye-bye.

Actual sharing starts after this. Maybe you comfort someone and try to understand from all angles. Have a good conversation and involve all emotions and be fearless to reprimand and be humbled too. Well in today’s world it would actually mean end of sharing. People come to download stuff to you....

Also it’s very difficult to achieve and most important to revive. Recently I was told you can share everything to me but cut out the rancor and complaints and I am ready to share everything. But if I cut my emotions off, if I have to talk with pre-conditions it’s not sharing. It’s all about telling then. But the person whom I shared with everything, I rather be quiet and not go back to telling. I would rather share or keep it to myself.

Anyways I have posted this blog and again believe it’s telling. May become a partial sharing if I get honest opinion of people who read it…..

Amazing Clip... (food for thought ..ye parents and all

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHCuA0KnITY&NR=1