Memories

Me at 6 Months










Seven Months Me








MySis Six Months Old










My Bro 2 Yrs Old

Birthdays...

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What are Birthdays? A way of telling you that dude you are getting old. Or, for people a moment to rejoice that you came into their life. As per Hindi Calendar I was born today on “Akshaya Tritaya.” My Nani goes by this only and not Solar (25th). She called up saying I had not been even brought home by now. You were still in hospital. Being the First Child in that Family I may have given birth to so many expectations. Brought Joy in lot of peoples life. And on your birthday, you feel for those. Getting buoyant if you have achieved some of those expectations; or weighed down if you let them down.

Also, birthdays as the way it is given importance; make lot of things happen in your life.

Like this time I got so many gifts. Like an Apples Shuffle IPod (Loved it has 4 GB space in slim little package), Chocolates, Perfume (Yes that too), Two wonderful books and like always Mom’s and Sis’s card. Even my Kinshuk’s. But this time something really unusual happened. I never thought it was possible. Few years earlier an extraordinary experinece of my Life had started with a Birthday Cake. Seems this year it is an attempt to finish it with a blank…

It is heart rendering. Leaves you so empty with a void in your heart…

So I do not know what to make of these Birthdays… Is it harbinger of Life or constant reminder of Fickleness of same… Is it happiness or just a day which reminds of things lost forever…

Whatever it is I feel it’s a day which is a mirror to you: Your Today, Tomorrow and most important your yesterdays. Its Joy its Reality check… Its emptiness and sadness.. Its Love, Its Loss… In a nut shell its reminder of Life, Depends How you take it that day…

The Reading Wish List

As per BBC most people would have read only 6 out of the list below... I do not believe it. I have read more than that.
Though have read just 43 (Marked in X). I have miles to go. Not even 50% and I call myself Voracious Reader.. Shame on me...

Do tell me your Scores through the Comments.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen X
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte X
8 1984 - George Orwell X
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller X
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger X
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell X
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy X
25 The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky X
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll X
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy X
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens X
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen X
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini X
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden X
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell X
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez X
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy X
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel X
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen X
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth X
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens X
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez X
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov X
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas X
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac X
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy X
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie X
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens X
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce X
76 The Inferno – Dante X
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert X
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry X
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton X
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas X
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare X
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

An Accidental Life

If you look from the point of view of others and not mine , I had miraculous escape from death. Or it was a close brush with death. It was an accident. I was on my way from Mumbai to Pune. We get shared cab and I was in Indica. So just after Lonavala, in the circuitous route a Tavera Hit us. We were on the outer most lane, on the expressway travelling at speed of maybe 100 KMPH. The Tavera Hit us in an angle, while taking turn. Our Car swerved at 90 degrees straight and in Panic the driver hit on gas pedal instead of the brakes and we were moving horizontally crossing all the lanes and hit the culvert on the other side. We crossed the Truck and Bus lane after crossing the Second lane. Miraculously we just hit the divider at the end of road and at such heavy rush none of the vehicles touched us. All four of us did not even get a scratch to show.

What was amazing and weird, was my reaction to it. When the car got hit I felt happy, in-fact elated. I felt very tranquil and absolutely at peace. The whole moment when we glided past all the lanes, I saw at the lanes and was feeling amazingly happy. The moment we hit the divider out of harm I felt extremely disappointed. I felt cheated and it felt again the whole lot of weight has come back on me. The lightness I was feeling was gone. I felt weighed down and heavy. And actually I felt irritated and morose.

I mean my reaction in comparison to all the other people in the cab was just opposite. They felt fear and then elation. I felt elation and then irritation. At the Imapct ll of a sudden I felt so light and happy and then when it was over we were saved I felt dissappointed and so weighed down.

And I felt something strange too. I felt my a connection break. Earlier whenever, I felt extremely happy or sad I felt connected to one person (wont name that person) I would transmit my thoughts and always knew that I am making it known. By some way or other that person would know. Some kind of intuition. It was something which pulled me back always. That caring presence, that meaningfullness in my life for someone brought me back from brink always. It sustained me.

All of a sudden I felt a wall, when I tried to connect. A strong wall. I felt that I am not needed. I saw the wall as transparent; a sad face on other side but still holding on to a wall. Then I saw indifference and disdain. This was so suureal in matter of seconds and my life it all felt meaningless and I hadstrong death wish in me.

This all happened in few seconds and belive me I saw all this. I would be called psychotic or halluniciating but I feel the heaviness vividly as I write. And it was such a joy when it was all so light.

Since then I am feeling extremely down, weighed down and meaningless.

..... Gulal....

Again it is Anuraag Kashyap who inspires me to write one more Blog. I know, everyone would pontificate and write informed views of Politics, acting and many more. They would be much better analysis than mine.

So...

I would write what touched me. What made me exult and feel ecstatic…. It had to be Lyrics. The beautiful hard hitting Street Theater Lyrics. How songs were made the narrator. How songs narrated the whole movie and actually said so many things making the movie so powerful telling the whole story:

I was mesmerized by the Rashmi Rathi of Dinkar, Saahirs Yeh Duniya Mil bhi Jaye toh Kya hain, and Sarfaroshi Ki Tammana… of the Author Bismil and one who Lived it... Sang it... Made the mantra of his and millions... Ram Prasad Bismil…

It’s those words so well adapted and so well used, to enumerate the contemporary, and the irony of the purity and dreams of old lost to the greed and dirty politics of today… We have lost those anthems and Piyush you used the same meter and theme to show us what we are…

The Irreverence of Kashyap just mesmerizes me. I am thankful of his powerful voice, his ability to talk openly. Bring the mirror of Us to Us. Challenge the youth and ask what your contribution is.

For me Piyush Mishra and his words is the narrator, The protagonist, the Voice of Protest, The Lennon and Dylan Follower who laments for the dream of Zauk, Ghalib, Saahir and many more, who dared to dream then, fight or it then and which we squandered so easily and effortlessly.

Well India of that Dream is now the “Tashan” and limited to that Tashan and show off. Substance is gone… we are empty words crying hoarse about platitude of me and mine…preening at the false hollow images of ugly ourselves.

I love Kashyap as he can still say so much so well…..so fearlessly.

It also made me look around. It’s a movie that gets into you. You want to talk about it. Like I want to know what did Kashyap want to say through the Ardh Narishwar… He was the most intriguing character for me… ( I still would like to know the answer if anyone can enlighten me…)

But where are the people with whom you can talk, try to understand… I thought my companion would do so… But…. That companion is …………

Emosional Attyachar

Dev D:

Q: What would you do as a dad if you come to know that your teenage daughters MMS is being circulated in the world where she is having sex with her boyfriend?
A: You download it, see it, think what hav you done to see this day, fly off the handle with your daughter, say you did it knowingly and then when you cant take it.... shoot yourself?

OR

You take your daughter in arms and say it’s okay beta, you need not worry. It’s a mistake and we both would take care of it.

Well in the movie Dad goes ahead and shoots himself….

Think about it what would You Do?

The Movie. Yes I loved it. It’s irreverent, on the edge, full of questions and real picture of the world which India’s youth Inhabit, and on the name of Culture and Society We Refuse to see it or face it. We keep our head buried in Sand like an ostrich. Movie has an exception though that one or two of its main character actually takes a step which nobody in India actually takes.

In reality our youth (I could not fathom why) just put scales on their eyes and follow the footstep of parent, staring with scaly eyes up to the stage of burying their heads in sand.

It is typical Dev Das story complete with Paro and Chanda. But all have changed in contemporary. Paro loves Dev and goes to any extent, from sending her Top Less photo to Dev in London, to rolling her bed on her own to go to fields to be with her Dev. Dev spurns her and Paro sees that he has scales on his eyes. Of all the people, in the movie, first person not to shed the scales from the eyes and being mired in the age old adage of marrying a virgin is actually still a driving force of Dev. He is okay getting the girls nude photos and rushing back to home, but moment he hears the false rumors about her virginity;spurns her. Paro just leaves; to everybody’s consternation dances in her own wedding; and with immense dignity comes later to messed up Dev's messy room, cleans it and then just leaves showing him his place ("aukaat" the apt word actually used in the movie).

Then there is Dev. Spoilt by Mom first then the Dad. He loves himself more and never actually loved anyone. He was a narcissist in Love with himself. But he finds his way ( I believe so after all the debauchery, I would like to think so, but its not clear)

Chanda. Strong, independent. Was caught in MMS incident (like reallife DPS incident). Father killed himself. She Leaves and finds her way. Is the CSW (commercial sex worker) in streets of Paharganj. at the same time continues her education in college. For me she raised most questions and had powerful presence in movie.

Yes she was in MMS. The voyeur society downloads it on their own volition (not publicized on TV or magazine) have fun and then just castigates her. That’s the morality of our society.

The other is question which I asked earlier. My answer. Yes the dad was more concerned about himself. His position, rutbaa in society, than the turmoil she was going through. The guy just ruined her (and who does not have a boyfriend or girlfriend at that age and who does not experiment). She was in pain. As a human being her trust was broken and then the father was worried about just himself. Just went ahead and shot himself. Did he believe in completing his responsibility of being a dad. Seeing what his daughter is going through. It was He who was important not the daughter. It was class, caste, society which was more important. Again the choice and right of the daughter was trampeled because women being the Maan and Maryada of house is sacrosanct. We are not humans in this society, but a cog a trophy of this society. Think of it, how much choice our women have. And for that matter even a man has.

The most touching moment was when Dev takes Chanda in his arms and says Its okay, Koi Baat nahin.

We know Dev is not bad. He feels. He is Human. I would have a drunkard Dev with me rather a respected, rich and well known Dad who just thinks about himself.
Yes it was irreverent. It raised many a question. Many would take it as an assault on our culture. Berate it as sick even. For me it’s a beacon of Light. I understood myself. Saw the pitfalls and simply loved.

You know where I stand.

The actors did classic job. The Script and each character were well adapted and seamlessly synched in the movie. Music was again irreverent with equally irreverent lyrics. The songs specially Payelia, and Emosional Attyacahr was superb. I liked the picturisaton of song Naina Tarsey and how it carried the movie.

Yes we are subjected to lts of Emosinal attyachar not by lovers but the societ as a whole. But its changing.

Three Cheers for Kashyap.

Thank for being the Kerouac and the enfant terrible of Indian Celluolid.

Notes to Myself

Past few days have seen lot of action besides work in my life. And as every action has its impact on your life, leaves bitter sweet memories and shapes your life.

These events started with my convocation at XIMB (Xavier Institute of Management). Yes I wore the cloak and got my degree in solemn academic ceremony. It was good experience. Wearing the cloak and finally being an MBA. But it left me empty somewhere. I do not know what next? I did an MBA to prove a point. I knew I can always do it and did it. My only criterion was doing an MBA not for the sake of it or garnering high grades. Most important thing was to get learning. Thankfully XIMB with its rigorous schedule and pedagogy did make us learn. I could have put this tag on me much earlier but did not because wanted to learn. However it seems it was a mistake not to complete it from any distance learning and putting a tag on me. World looks at tags not value behind it. And if had tag would have had helped me in something which was really important to me. Actually that not being there changed the course of my life. Had that impact on me, and immensely. So now when it’s done; besides the learning which is with me, it all seems like void as I do not know what next? What’s the benefit of it now? Any way these existential questions are always be hounding me.

Also, past few weeks first time since coming to Bombay I got in the act of reading books and watching movies. Thing which I liked to do. Again it’s not that my convictions have changed, or my life is still not in that stage. The convictions may actually have become stronger. Only thing is that I am resigned to the situation. Earlier I was angry but hopeful (I am still of about what I wanted), was in mood to hurt. Did not do what I wanted to do. That was the only way to punish someone by punishing myself. Taking away what was good in me. But again came back and realized it’s actually punishing me only. It does not bother people associated with that person. Do they give a hoot? So as I am resigned to my fate and know can’t do much and it’s me who has lost. Whatever I do I can’t defeat them. In a nut shell I am defeated, vanquished. So with a bit of my pride left in me I have retreated. Any war is won with allies. I did not have one. So am back to my kingdom, made up my mind no never would seek allies and be what I am.

Coming back to books, I started with Bad Girl by Llosa, reread after ages Count of Monte Cristo by Dumas, read The Reader by Bernhard Schlink (translation of the original in German “Der Vorleser”), The Bluest of Eyes by Toni Morrison, and also a bit of pulp fiction in terms Jeffrey Archers Sons of Fortune and Book of Lies. I felt elated to read each one of them besides the racy stuff of Pulp Fiction. And it was a great pleasure.

In between I caught on movies too. I saw The Reader (the movie with my favourite actor Ralph Fienes), the Slumdog Millionaire, Dev D, Ghazni and Luck by Chance in the latest ones and on DVD caught up with Dev, A Wednesday, Sajjanpur and Omkara.

Lot, after such a huge lull no. But I fear I do not go back to that punishment. Anyways let’s leave it here only. I would write about these books individually or together in my next blog. As parting word here is how I rate them…

Books:
The Bluest of Eyes: Its sheer poetry. A book which would live with you
Count of Monte Cristo: Excellent book but it meandered in the end
The Reader: Small book with a punch of life time
Bad Girl: Great book but have read better stuff of Llosa

Movies:
Dev D: Edgy, Excellent, you can either love it or hate. Nothing in between. Loved it
Slumdog: Excellent movie but not as amazing as it was made out to be
The Reader: Movie does Justice to book. It’s awesome. Liked Winslet first time
Luck by Chance: Normal Good movie
A Wednesday: Four Stars
Ghazni: Okay but not in League with Aamir’s works
Omkara: Watching second time was again an education in Film Craft hats off to Vishal

Next Plan . Prithvi Theater